20 “I ask … also on behalf of those who will believe in me …,(21) that they may all be one. As you, Father, are in me and I am in you, may they also be in us…”. John 17: 20-26

I listen to the discord of Mozart’s String Quartet No. 19 in C, K. 465,

I am overcome by the struggle I feel.

I hear the Beatles Revolution 9 and it evokes confusion in me.

Both at their core are my search for peace to balance the conflicting forces of my life.

The Buddhists say all life is suffering.

I suffer;

in my struggles with the unresolved, incompatible chords of successes and failures; lack of courage to come out, disdain for my cowardice that keeps me locked in,

To be or not to be me.

Success is not trusted, the prologue feels forever my epilogue; will I ever be me?

I am committed to Christ. I try to love everyone, yet I can’t accept me. I lose my way;  disharmonious wounds slay my spirit.

The Buddhists seek enlightenment contemplating, “who was I before I was in my mother’s womb”?

I sit and meditate.

Life stands still in the flickering moments of rest between its cacophonous sounds. In the silence between notes, the oneness with the God spirit is known.

The miracle of God’s peace is not in the absence of discord but in the midst of it. Peace that is sufficient. Peace that is everlasting.

In between the conflicts of to be and not to be, God in me conforms outward disharmony to inner harmony, and in the same life enduring moment I experience how to be and not be.




In Memory of Steven DeVeaux

Today is the 27th anniversary of the death of my partner, Steve. He was 31, and I was 33, too young to understand life, except to know at a profound level that surpassed any prior experience I had that we were in love. His 2 year illness was a time of fear as we faced the challenges of an incurable disease whose name we dared not speak. Few were the friends with whom we could share the pain, even fewer the family to whom we could turn.

Living these many years longer than we expected his spirit of love remains a source of sustenance to me.

In the intervening years the world has become a little more accepting and hopefully those facing the same issues of sickness and death are no longer forced to hide or be ostracized in the way we were.

It took many years before I began living again instead of waiting to die, and it was his love that helped rescue me. It was selfless and unconditional, and even while racked with disease and pain, he offered me joyful love. From this example I was later able to develop a frame of reference to understand the sacrificial love of the divine embodied in the life of Jesus Christ.

This did not happen in one momentous epiphany. It was discovered over the ensuing years in the trail of undeserved acts of love from others until one day my heart despite being mired in depressionfelt inexplicably full. The collective experience of love in my life, added up to the unfailing love of my divine creator.

My recognition of this caused me to open up to Jesus’ message and claim the abundancy that living a life of love offers.

Today, I am able to appreciate death as a part of life, and I have no fear regarding an afterlife. My faith in a loving God is sufficient for all things to come. I am experiencing the joy of the eternal spirit of love, and know firsthand that a life lived in obedience to the commandment to love, begets a spirit that never dies.

The love I shared with Steven  is alive to me. The spirit of Christ who overcame death through obedience to love also lives within me. He is my connection to our loving God.

There are visions to the right of a literal, legalistic, condemning God. There are visions to the left of no God. To those for whom any other place on the spectrum of belief is their reality, I wish them well in the pursuit of life according to their values so long as they are respectful of the legitimate right of others who seek a different path.

I claim the reality of my experience. And through the love of one flawed human being I was led to the love of one flawless human anointed with the spirit of the Creator at birth.

Thanks to them I celebrate God’s spirit of love alive in my heart. This is my reality. I claim it. And I am thankful for all whose love made it real for me, and especially for the love of Steven.